First I am going to apologize for any confusion...I changed my blog around again. Also I am going to be more open and very honesty about things. I won't hide my feelings because it is wearing me down to hide what I am truly feeling. I read my blog delete most of it so that I am fair to whatever I am writing. Right now I am trying to make change in my life and today was a good day in realizing I was doing things all wrong. I sat here in my room tonight alone like I spend most of my evenings. I mostly thought about things that I did wrong, didn't like, what my futures holds, and who is going to be in my future.
In the past two days I have had a feeling that I won't have a future and that may be because I don't have a major. My brothers didn't have trouble in finding there direction and I am lost beyond belief. I try to find a major but lose interest so easily. I just want a direction and a certainty of something I will enjoy doing and loving doing for awhile.
Then I need to change who I hang out with or when I hang out with my friends. I am not happy with them most of the time but I just shrug it off and go on. The one thing you might be thinking is that why don't I tell them what is bothering me...easier said then done. Here is the scenario: I start talking and telling a story and then I either get interrupted or one of my friends leaves the table and then comes back in the middle of when I am talking. How rude can you be? I am nice to listen to you and may give advice or just enjoy your story but you don't give me the same respect back of listening to me...F@*K you (mom I am sorry for this bad language). It’s like stabbing my heart repeatedly. I already have fears of new people but now I am getting to the point that I don't talk and just give up. Also I am losing interest in having them as friends. Now this just doesn't happen once or twice but few times a day and pretty much everyday. I am tired of being ignored or the lesser half of a person.
If I am letting everything go tonight, then here it goes...let me give background on this thing: I am single and have never dated anyone, though that is depressing I am fine with it and it doesn't bother me because first I need to fix me before I have another person in my life. like all my friends this is the comment they give to me to make me feel better that I haven't dated "THE FIRST ONE YOU DATE YOU WILL MARRY, and BOYS ARE JERKS" ok let me ask you a question, "DID YOU MARRY THE FIRST ONE YOU DATED " probably NOT. So don't give me that bullshit line. I will date in my own time...I don't need the jokes from anyone about being a lesbian, scare, or anything else. I remember the hurtful words and they replay in my head over and over.
Now on to being scared…that is me. I am always scared and have been for most of my life so I am use to it. I can’t just go up to someone and just talk to them. The feelings that go through my body is heart beat rises, can't breathe, shake, sweaty, palms, and feeling like passing out. I am not like everyone who can just talk to anyone. In the pass two day I have been told that I should or have to get over that. Well you know unfortunately I CAN’T….you can’t generalize that everyone is comfortable with talking. I HATE being in front of crowds talking, I HATE being the first to talk, I HATE just talking only when I am angry, my patience is gone, and frustrated.
I am sooo angry and frustrated and lost and just at the end of the rope…I don’t know which way to turn. Like my father I don’t have tons of friends I have about 2 back in
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