Being Truthful...there's no point to the blog

For a long time I haven't been confident about myself. I think it started in middle school to about a year ago. I think my weight played a big part in the unhappiness/insecurities I was feeling. I have hated my body since I started my period when I was in middle school. That is when I packed on the most weight. Because of that I have always walked with my head towards the ground. I don't know why, I just always felt inadequate to everyone else. I still feel that way. People are so much smarter than me. People are prettier than me. People have experienced more than me and so on. I tried to figure out why I put on the weight, but the only thing I could come up with was a protective barrier for me. I don't like attention and the weight was my way of shielding attention from boys, friends, family, and activities(sports, shopping). I liked melting into the wall.

Then about a year ago, I lost 30 pounds in three months. I have keep most of my weight off. Unfortunately, I am still not happy/confident with how I look. Now any normal person would say go back to weight watchers(it is the place I lost the weight) and start the process again. The problem is, I wasn't happy/confident with my weight and I am not happy/confident without the weight. So I need to figure out what will make me happy/confident. I know I might be concerning my family(the only people reading this blog), but I am fine. I am content with life, but I feel like I am not living. I feel like I am sitting on the sidelines as everyone goes and does the things that make them happy. My question is, when will it be my turn? The one problem is not knowing how to start because I still feel that people are smarter than me, prettier than me, and have more experience than me.

I can say that I am slowly taking steps to something(who knows what it is). I went shopping today and I could find clothes in my size and that actually fit. I always hated shopping because when my friends would shop they would have plenty to try on and I would have 3 or 4 items and maybe one would actually fit. It just became a duty rather than some fun with friends. I would try to avoid it, but if my friends would want to go then I would be the person who told them how it looked(even if it was hard to hear). I actually enjoyed shopping today and wanted to buy a dress. I opted to skip it until I had a job or got the approval from kim[and maybe my mom:) ] Also, I have slowly raised my head when I walk, but not all the time. I think that I have acted a certain way for so long that those behaviors are an automatically the first ones I go to.

I don't know why I am typing this, but I was complied to be honest with myself and others. It could because of PostSecret where you anonymously reveal a secret on a postcard(updated every Sunday with new secrets). I thought to myself, well do I have a secret. It took some time, but I figure out a few here is one of mine:

I feel if I don't break away from my comfort zone, I never will.

I wish I had the guts to jump out of a plane.

I have others, but I don't feel like sharing those. Some people on that website write in and say that they feel free from their secret now that they shared it. Maybe because I haven't posted this blog, but I don't feel free it is more like---people are going to be concerned for me or that I have finally lost my mind or maybe tell their secret. hmm?